matatu etiquette 2

Matatu Etiquette 2

At times a matatu ride can be rather torturous having to deal with the matatu not going where it claimed it was going, being overcharged, getting robbed on a busy road, and the loud ANNOYING music, so the least your fellow passenger should do is give you a bit of peace and space. Let’s carry on: -

·         Matatu Etiquette 6: Thou shalt knoweth when to flash a 1000 note

I personally find it annoying for a passenger to flash a 1000 note ndiyo tout atoe 10. But if you are doing it to annoy the matatu conductor please continue as long as you have the time or are clever enough to courtesly ask for the 100 with guise that you have the exact amount he wanted and don’t pay him until he gives you the change…please don’t try this in routes where the touts and hardcore criminals have some sort of brotherhood.

Matatu etiquette no 7: Thou shalt buy thy stuff before boarding the matatu

More so for rural travelers, passenger anasimamisha gari ndiyo anunuliwe miwa na conductor. STOP IT.

Matatu etiquette no 8: Thou shalt not speak to thy lady neighbor after the conductor passes

Some Kenyan men are cheap by nature and will ignore you until after paying their fare then they unleash their ‘A’ game. Please stop it!  Also the matatu is not a place for you to meet women or men. Some men/women have made this to be a hunting ground. The only exception to this rule: If the person being hunted is EXTREMELY hot.

Matatu etiquette no 9: the 4^th passenger is a nuisance passenger

If you choose to be a fourth passenger, please do not bother traffic respecting passengers by pushing them every five seconds trying to be comfortable.

Matatu etiquette no 10: Thou shalt always be thy fellow passenger keepers

If you have foreknowledge that some young men are thieves do not allow your fellow passenger to get robbed then innocently proclaim. ‘hawa vijana wanapenda kuibia watu na the same same lie,’ and they watched for five minutes as you were robbed, while the tout will most definitely get a share in it, you in another hand will loose your phone, handbag, hard earned money because thy fellow passenger decided to keep quiet while you were being robbed.

The basic matatu etiquette should be thou shalt not be a disturbance to thy fellow passengers by thy actions which way act as a hindrance and bring discomfort. The Golden Matatu Etiquette of all times is : Thou shalt NEVER side with the conductor at any given time

In cases involving a fellow passengers, whether you know what the situation is about, though shalt never side with the conductor even if the decision may favour you, for instance maybe the main road has a very big jam and the matatu wants to use a shorter way but thy fellow passenger is alighting on the main way, if the jam will affect you, insist that they get their fare back. Never assist a tout in pushing the vehicle when the matatu ends and insists on full fare refund when the matatu breaks down.

There will be more…

dead men no tales

Dead men…a thousand tales

A few weeks ago, I was going cruising through Thika Super Highway, random thoughts criss-crossing through my mind, when the matatu I was in drove past by a man involved in a hit and run. Mostly I would rather look the other way because such sightings scare me a lot. But it was all too sudden since it was in the middle lane of a busy highway, my eyes saw his body involuntarily (am assuming he was dead because if he was alive, people would have rushed him to the hospital) I recoiled and called on God loudly, while looking away immediately, though my fellow passengers kept on looking until we drove past the scene of no more sighting. I was distressed because he was only a few meters from the fly over. I asked myself: -

·        If he only knew he was going to be hit by a vehicle, I thought he would have used the fly over, but for most of us, crossing the super highway with vehicles moving at a very high speed seems the most logic thing for us to do. I wished he had used the fly over.

Right before my eyes there a man lying on his side, his hands on his face, he had an official trouser, bright coloured shirt and a tie, it was a bit dark so I couldn’t see the exact colours. I pondered a lot in my heart, the random thoughts suddenly gained meaning. I wondered: -

·        Who would inform his family that their relative was dead, I imagined a wife preparing a meal for her husband and waiting through the night, for her husband never to come home.

·        Or if they were in upcountry, they would be lucky, if they ever found out one of them was dead. It would involve visiting endless hospitals, mortuaries and police stations.

I remembered my disappointment when my cousin did not turn up for a cousin’s home in early 2011, I was excited that he was coming back home after a long time away. But when I called my sister from Lodwar, he did not come, my heart sunk. What had made him change his mind? I was looking forward to seeing him again, because he was like my eldest cousin and very mature, and even though I was much younger he treated me like an adult. I even thought he could one day lead our cousins group, but he never showed up. End of April is when his severely decomposed body was found at the City Mortuary just about to be buried with other unclaimed bodies, as if he did not have people that loved him. I was crushed, his clothing was the only thing that could identify him, and he had been dead from late January or early February, dead for months, murdered in broad daylight, picked by the police and dropped to the City Mortuary.

·        But we were lucky, many families who live apart or in different counties at times do not have the joy of burying their loved ones. On that day I wondered about the families who rarely kept in touch, only to wake up one day to the grim news that they were never coming back and were buried a long time ago.

·        I thought about the families that had no idea where their kinsmen live in the big city, or the wife who had gone about a month without speaking with their husband. It would sadly take them a month or two to realize that something was wrong.

·        It reminded me of the man/woman who rarely tells their loved ones exactly where they are going, and when the unexpected happens they have no idea where to start looking.

·        My heart was crushed, it reminded me that life is short, that man could have been anyone, we all left for work that morning, all dressed up, we crossed one too many roads, then there is that time when that motorcycle or vehicle almost but didn’t hit you. That evening as I drove to Nairobi, I experienced a lot of difficulties crossing the roads, convicted that I took it for granted. I hoped that his loved ones found him on time, and for the other lessons they are pretty obvious.

MATATU ETIQUETTE

Matatu Etiquette…

Most passengers miss the basics of proper matatu etiquette, making our matatu rides to be annoying and quite uncomfortable, while in the actual sense the touts and drivers are already tasked with making our journey miserable, why should a fellow passenger add to the misery. So I have taken upon myself to lay out some simple rules for a comfortable journey: -

      Golden Matatu Etiquette: Thou shalt NEVER squeal on thy fellow passengers

If the tout forgets to charge them, DON’T rant on them. Unless they are conmen, it’s their lucky day.

·         Matatu etiquette 1: Thou shall always use thy ear phones

When the driver decides to put on annoying loud music, that’s ok, there’s nothing I can do about it… but when your shady ‘neighbor’ decides do it…am in hell…not only is the phone a poor Chinese quality but the signal is poor or the sound quality TORTURE to our ears, so dear fellow customer, always apply the rule ‘thou shall always use thy earphones.’ because your taste in music and phones is poor and we will hate you forever. Even though we can hardly remember your face, you’ll always be that annoying person.

·         Matatu etiquette 2: Thou shall not allow your non-paying child to sit until the conductor asks if thou art paying yet there are five paying adults standing

This is where parents play their annoying ‘I have a child’ card in public transport, it’s annoying, it gets on my nerves and years later your child grows to become a conceited, selfish, snobbish grown up…I hope they do.

·         Matatu etiquette 3: Thou shall not squeeze thy non paying child on my duly seat.

‘Hebu songea mtoto kidogo…’ such annoying statements. Alongside etiquette no 2, why can’t these people pay for their child’s seat instead of bothering me and robbing fellow passengers part of their fare.

·         Matatu etiquette 4: thou shalt always keep thou toddler away from me

This includes the dirty little shoes all over your skirt/trouser while the parent pretends it’s ok since they are children, also includes those little ‘brats’ pulling at my ear rings, hair and me having to play with them because their mother insists on me joining their conversation. ‘Unaona auntie…mwambie sasa…sasa auntie…sasa auntie…salimia auntie.’ At times all I want is a quiet ride home after a long day Nation Building. These women are all too happy when you play with their children, but try playing with their husbands/boyfriends and hell will freeze over cold if they don’t attack you.

 This also includes the women who enter a full matatu holding a child, and the conductor asks that you give up your sit for the mother. ‘With all the matatus on the road…’ Halafu I become the extra passenger, who can be arrested. This goes for those old people as well. Siku za ‘kila mwana mwema huwa na heshima…’ are long gone.

·         Matatu Etiquette 4: The person seated near the window decides…

It’s quite annoying that someone stretches out his/her hand to open or close the window yet you are seated next to it. Please fellow passenger, you might want to ask how the other persons feel, otherwise etiquette demands they slam the window shut on your manner less hand.

·         Matatu Etiquette 5: Thou shalt no use thy fellow passenger as a pillow

If you are going to fall asleep, that’s okay, but please not on my shoulder, also when the matatu goings round a corner thou shall use me as an wind breaker.