guilty

‘Guilty.’ The verdict read. ‘You are hereby sentenced to…’

‘Guilty?’ the defendant asked. ‘Of  what?’

He restrained himself from raising his voice, not wanting to be held in contempt as it had already happened several times during the hearing, were they seriously planning to pin on him the sins of an entire nation…

‘What am I guilty of?’ he demanded angrily. ‘My only crime is being born in an impoverished country, where people’s fate was determined by their social status or the status of the big men in society.’

‘Where the few big fish in the ‘big’ tribes control every single resource in that country.’ He seemed to be reeling from the shock of a guilty verdict.

‘Please…’ his defense attorney tried to restrain him.

‘Let the man talk.’ The judge allowed him to continue.

‘I am not responsible for death of millions of African children by Malaria, neither did I start or by any means spread HIV, still I do not get what I have to do with the deaths of millions of people from roads accidents.’ He seemed perplexed. ‘Of maternal deaths, don’t even get me started…and corruption…’ he paused. ‘Is this a sick joke or something?’

His defense lawyer cleared his throat anxiously.

The man went on. ‘For heaven’s sakes I did not start the post election violence.’ He was now pacing up and down as the Judge watched in amazement. ‘Yes, I may have posted a few hate messages for a rigged election but I killed no one, yes when those ‘people’ were killed, I felt nothing but I did not kill them my Lord, they had it coming. My only crime in this case would be voting for the man of my choice…my man.’

‘Your  man.’ The judge asked.

‘Indeed!’ the man replied. ‘My man…a man of the people!’ he added, his voice full of pride.

‘The man that you started to complain about a few months after the elections, as a matter of fact, you could hardly wait for the next general election to vote him out for his lack of a developmental record, but when the next general elections came you still voted for him… “your man”.’

‘with good reasons my Lord.’ The defendant responded.

His defense lawyer covered his face in disbelief. ‘MY LORD!’ he finally said. ‘I beg this honorable court not to consider my clients utterances’ as they are irrelevant at this stage of the proceedings. Evidence has already been adduced, the defense as well as the prosecution finalized their submissions. We believe the court has reached its judgment, all that remains is delivery of the judgment, which the defense prays it be done expeditiously so that we can lodge an appeal. ‘Counsel!’ The judge started in an all powerful voice. ‘Have I given out my ruling yet on the case and yet you still want to appeal, on what grounds!’

‘That my client was not accorded a fair hearing.’ He seemed to gain his confidence back. ‘my Lord, my clients right to due process was gravely violated.

‘Are you questioning the integrity of this court?’ the Supreme Judge’s eyes were squarely on the defense attorney.

‘No, my Lord.’ he defended himself. ‘I am simply questioning your rationale of condemning my client for the sins of the elite in his country. Why should a poor servant pay for his master’s corrupt ways?’

‘And so this ruling class I am assuming…are some sort of monarchy of some sort…how else did they get this near sovereign Lord Status?’ the judge pondered.

My Lord ‘I thought we were done here.’ The prosecutor asked. ‘My learned friend is simply wasting the court’s time; he should wait for the ruling and then appeal that is the due process of the law.’

‘Mr Prosecutor!’ The Judge said. ‘This is no ordinary court, yes the defendant is free to appeal once the judgment is pronounced, but until them I have no objections to listening to his defense.’

‘His vote was one in a million…maybe we should blame him for global warming as well.’ The defense lawyer said in frustration.

‘That is possible.’ The judge said writing something down. ‘I can add that to the charge sheet and call for a new trial. I do recall his love for plastics and his poor methods of disposing them.’

The prosecutor smiled slyly at the disbelieving defense attorney, it seemed like the toughest case of his career.

‘In line with the guilty verdict.’ The judge read the sentence. ‘In the first charge of mass murder of women, children and other vulnerable people such as elderly persons and persons with disabilities using weapons such as hunger, strife and aloofness. This court finds the accused guilty, the court is satisfied with the evidence adduced in this court, that on 5^th October 1995 the accused did nothing to help his neighbours wife and children though he knew the accused had  a history of mental problems but never used the information to help the family, the neighbor ended up murdering his wife and children. Still in the same village the accused knew of the men stealing from the villagers, he also knew that his nephew was defiling elderly women and persons with disabilities, impregnating some of the children with severe disabilities, you still aided his escape so that he could evade the arrest.’

The defendant hang his head in shame, he had done all that because he loved his sister.

‘In the second charge the court finds you guilty of the deaths of men, women and children through road carnages. The court is also satisfied with the evidence adduced that you watched at times with misguided sarcasm as money exchanged hands between the police and matatu driver, you were also at times the excess passenger and even when other passengers complained you derided them over their excess weight. Then a couple of years later you bought your own matatu, which with the passing of time became unroadworthy , but without insurance, without a propely trained driver it ended killing several people directly, indirectly it caused thousands of deaths, at one time your vehicle hit a five year old boy who was rushed to hospital in critical condition, you may not know this but the boy died several months later, but the accused paid the police so that his vehicle could return to the dusty village roads.’

The defense attorney fidgeted, the evidence at that point was overwhelming. The defendant seemed to be clutching at a straw.

‘On the third charge of failure to vote for the right leadership, gross corruption and sycophancy the court finds you guilty, the evidence proved beyond reasonable doubt that year after year you voted for your man, who in turn wasted all the resources that were within his reach, resulting in the constant impoverishment of my people, in maternal deaths for lack of proper medical facilities for women. The accused had the power to change all that by voting not on the basis on his tribe but on values such as integrity, honour and hard work. His man never delivered but because he was so ingrained on ‘his tribe’ ‘their tribe’ mentality, he drove his country the one that I had endowed with so much resources into a state of utter and complete failure. The court notes that the defendant can be described as cold, non-caring and a person who misused all the power given to him, he admitted to this court that while people from ‘the other tribe’ were being killed he felt nothing. Children died of malaria a preventable disease, the aged looked after HIV/Aids orphans all because of the choices the defendant made.’

‘On the three counts this court finds the defendant guilty as charged and hereby sentenced to eternal damnation. The defendant is free to make an appeal within fourteen days, after which the sentence will be final.’

guilty

‘Guilty.’ The verdict read. ‘You are hereby sentenced to…’

‘Guilty?’ the defendant asked. ‘Of  what?’

He restrained himself from raising his voice, not wanting to be held in contempt as it had already happened several times during the hearing, were they seriously planning to pin on him the sins of an entire nation…

‘What am I guilty of?’ he demanded angrily. ‘My only crime is being born in an impoverished country, where people’s fate was determined by their social status or the status of the big men in society.’

‘Where the few big fish in the ‘big’ tribes control every single resource in that country.’ He seemed to be reeling from the shock of a guilty verdict.

‘Please…’ his defense attorney tried to restrain him.

‘Let the man talk.’ The judge allowed him to continue.

‘I am not responsible for death of millions of African children by Malaria, neither did I start or by any means spread HIV, still I do not get what I have to do with the deaths of millions of people from roads accidents.’ He seemed perplexed. ‘Of maternal deaths, don’t even get me started…and corruption…’ he paused. ‘Is this a sick joke or something?’

His defense lawyer cleared his throat anxiously.

The man went on. ‘For heaven’s sakes I did not start the post election violence.’ He was now pacing up and down as the Judge watched in amazement. ‘Yes, I may have posted a few hate messages for a rigged election but I killed no one, yes when those ‘people’ were killed, I felt nothing but I did not kill them my Lord, they had it coming. My only crime in this case would be voting for the man of my choice…my man.’

‘Your  man.’ The judge asked.

‘Indeed!’ the man replied. ‘My man…a man of the people!’ he added, his voice full of pride.

‘The man that you started to complain about a few months after the elections, as a matter of fact, you could hardly wait for the next general election to vote him out for his lack of a developmental record, but when the next general elections came you still voted for him… “your man”.’

‘with good reasons my Lord.’ The defendant responded.

His defense lawyer covered his face in disbelief. ‘MY LORD!’ he finally said. ‘I beg this honorable court not to consider my clients utterances’ as they are irrelevant at this stage of the proceedings. Evidence has already been adduced, the defense as well as the prosecution finalized their submissions. We believe the court has reached its judgment, all that remains is delivery of the judgment, which the defense prays it be done expeditiously so that we can lodge an appeal. ‘Counsel!’ The judge started in an all powerful voice. ‘Have I given out my ruling yet on the case and yet you still want to appeal, on what grounds!’

‘That my client was not accorded a fair hearing.’ He seemed to gain his confidence back. ‘my Lord, my clients right to due process was gravely violated.

‘Are you questioning the integrity of this court?’ the Supreme Judge’s eyes were squarely on the defense attorney.

‘No, my Lord.’ he defended himself. ‘I am simply questioning your rationale of condemning my client for the sins of the elite in his country. Why should a poor servant pay for his master’s corrupt ways?’

‘And so this ruling class I am assuming…are some sort of monarchy of some sort…how else did they get this near sovereign Lord Status?’ the judge pondered.

My Lord ‘I thought we were done here.’ The prosecutor asked. ‘My learned friend is simply wasting the court’s time; he should wait for the ruling and then appeal that is the due process of the law.’

‘Mr Prosecutor!’ The Judge said. ‘This is no ordinary court, yes the defendant is free to appeal once the judgment is pronounced, but until them I have no objections to listening to his defense.’

‘His vote was one in a million…maybe we should blame him for global warming as well.’ The defense lawyer said in frustration.

‘That is possible.’ The judge said writing something down. ‘I can add that to the charge sheet and call for a new trial. I do recall his love for plastics and his poor methods of disposing them.’

The prosecutor smiled slyly at the disbelieving defense attorney, it seemed like the toughest case of his career.

‘In line with the guilty verdict.’ The judge read the sentence. ‘In the first charge of mass murder of women, children and other vulnerable people such as elderly persons and persons with disabilities using weapons such as hunger, strife and aloofness. This court finds the accused guilty, the court is satisfied with the evidence adduced in this court, that on 5^th October 1995 the accused did nothing to help his neighbours wife and children though he knew the accused had  a history of mental problems but never used the information to help the family, the neighbor ended up murdering his wife and children. Still in the same village the accused knew of the men stealing from the villagers, he also knew that his nephew was defiling elderly women and persons with disabilities, impregnating some of the children with severe disabilities, you still aided his escape so that he could evade the arrest.’

The defendant hang his head in shame, he had done all that because he loved his sister.

‘In the second charge the court finds you guilty of the deaths of men, women and children through road carnages. The court is also satisfied with the evidence adduced that you watched at times with misguided sarcasm as money exchanged hands between the police and matatu driver, you were also at times the excess passenger and even when other passengers complained you derided them over their excess weight. Then a couple of years later you bought your own matatu, which with the passing of time became unroadworthy , but without insurance, without a propely trained driver it ended killing several people directly, indirectly it caused thousands of deaths, at one time your vehicle hit a five year old boy who was rushed to hospital in critical condition, you may not know this but the boy died several months later, but the accused paid the police so that his vehicle could return to the dusty village roads.’

The defense attorney fidgeted, the evidence at that point was overwhelming. The defendant seemed to be clutching at a straw.

‘On the third charge of failure to vote for the right leadership, gross corruption and sycophancy the court finds you guilty, the evidence proved beyond reasonable doubt that year after year you voted for your man, who in turn wasted all the resources that were within his reach, resulting in the constant impoverishment of my people, in maternal deaths for lack of proper medical facilities for women. The accused had the power to change all that by voting not on the basis on his tribe but on values such as integrity, honour and hard work. His man never delivered but because he was so ingrained on ‘his tribe’ ‘their tribe’ mentality, he drove his country the one that I had endowed with so much resources into a state of utter and complete failure. The court notes that the defendant can be described as cold, non-caring and a person who misused all the power given to him, he admitted to this court that while people from ‘the other tribe’ were being killed he felt nothing. Children died of malaria a preventable disease, the aged looked after HIV/Aids orphans all because of the choices the defendant made.’

‘On the three counts this court finds the defendant guilty as charged and hereby sentenced to eternal damnation. The defendant is free to make an appeal within fourteen days, after which the sentence will be final.’

a well deserved break

A WELL DESERVED BREAK

Peter seemed relaxed on the journey back from Mombasa.

‘Mambasa!’ they had teased each other. ‘Mambasa.’ They had sung all the way from Nairobi to ‘Mambasa.’ Peter a couple of months back had somehow dated a young white lady.

‘I prefer the Kenyan ones.’ He smirked a bit arrogantly.

They had met at one of those days when Lisa his best friend took his to one of the Java kind of restaurants, a simple meal set him back by a thousand shillings.

‘I might as well use the toilets.’ He retorted. ‘At least I will leave something big that will have made my 1000 worth it.’

‘Rest room…’ she corrected him. ‘Or you can say ladies or gents.’

He gave her one of his playful looks.

‘The food was great; you can at least admit that.’ She said.

‘Yes, but the quantity was wanting.’ He told her. ‘And their clientele as you can see…ni wazungu and very rich Kenyans.’ He cast her, a goofy face. ‘And let’s not forget the ‘I seem to forget where my social class is’ Kenyans.’

‘I love the ambience.’ Lisa smiled, defending herself as they looked around, Peter seemed to notice the young white woman with blue eyes and blonde hair, she smiled at him, he blushed. Lisa noticed the sparks as Peter turned quickly.

‘I love her.’ She announced, leaning towards him. ‘She made you blush, you the typical African male.’

‘Hebu I go to the post office, I have some mail to drop.’ He started to leave.

‘Post office, toilet, gross!’ she said.

Lisa glanced at her purse; she had enough money just to get her home. She had hoped Peter would be gentleman enough and offer to pay, but that never happened. He had even joked at some point that since she had invited him, she needed to pay. She had met Peter in Campus and their relationship had blossomed into a wonderful, warm friendship, she could not tell if Peter liked her, or he just loved her as friend. Everyone kept telling her, that Peter was never going to love her like she loved him; he seemed to see her as a sister.

‘Maybe one day he may change his mind and decide I am the one he wanted to marry.’ She suggested several nights earlier to her sister as she got ready for bed.

‘The only way he will marry you.’ Cecily put her novel down and sat up on her bed. ‘is if the girl he has been chasing after all this while rejects him, and then all the other girls that he thought were suitable reject him and he realizes that he is growing too old. You’d make a good plan D siz.’

‘Nothing special about that.’ Peter thought as he came out the rest room.

He could have paid for Lisa’s meal, after all she had spend more money on him than he had in all their years of friendship, still he could not understand why he kept her in the friend zone. It did feel kinda great to know that he had many options when it came to deciding who he would spend the rest of his life with. His thoughts were far off, when he bumped into the pretty young white girl, he almost knocked her to the floor, he reached trying to stop her from hitting the beautiful tiled floor, but he lost his balance and they both fell on the floor. He gained his composure first. ‘I am so sorry miss.’ He helped her on her feet.

‘It’s ok.’ She smiled.

Her smile seemed to knock his senses out; from her accent he could tell she was American.

‘Am Peter.’ He smiled and gave her his hand.

‘You too seem to be soooo in love.’ Lisa stressed on the issue as they lay on one of the beautiful sandy beaches in Mombasa.

‘We were.’ Peter said.

‘Peter, you have changed a lot.’ Lisa admitted. ‘Kumbe you are not the nice guy I thought you were.’ She sounded disappointed.

He could not believe how amazing Lisa looked in a bikini; he could not keep his eyes off her gorgeous body. Her stomach was flatter than a pancake, her figure finer than an hour glass.

‘As I said.’ Peter added. ‘I prefer Kenyan women.’

Lisa just smiled as she sat up. ‘Peter you used her for her money you loving Kenyan women has nothing to do with it.’

‘That solar is killing me.’ She touched her shoulder slightly.

‘You are tanning.’ He lay looking at her smooth brown complexion.

‘Pete…’ she started. ‘Is that what Nicole baby used to call you?’ She was looking at him. ‘I am African, tanning doesn’t apply to me, sun burnt does.’

‘I can apply some sun screen on you.’ He offered sitting up and taking the sunscreen into his hands.

‘No thank you.’ She grabbed the sun screen bottle. ‘I would rather that hot guy over there did it?’

Peter glanced at Kimae, he was their colleague, and he seemed to be in a world of his own, with ear phones reading a novel. Lisa got up and walked towards the water, the sun just seemed to illuminate her body and make it even more beautiful. His thoughts shifted towards her, he was thinking about all the things he wanted to do her, she seemed confident as well. He walked towards the edge of the water, she also moved towards him.

‘Besides she can’t cook Ugali.’ He volunteered some more information.

‘You didn’t seem to mind spending her money.’ Lisa retorted.

The relationship had been short lived but amazing, even though he had a well paying job, and his investments in the transport industry were doing amazingly well, he had lied to Nicole, he had led her into believing he was from a lower social class than he actually was. She had paid for his trip to the Maasai Mara, and what an adventure they had, he never knew the wild could be so interesting. She had flown his to Zanzibar for a romantic getaway at the sun kissed beaches. She seemed to be genuinely interested in him. When she proposed a long distance relationship he lied that he would rather they be friends so that his heart would not be broken. She was nice about it, she had promised to look him the next year when she visited and take him to ‘Mambasa!’

‘Mambasa…’ he teased her.

‘Mambasa…’ she repeated not knowing he was making fun of her.

He watched as Lisa chatted with some white Italians, what could they be talking about. She seemed to smile a lot; it seemed to bother him a lot.

‘Lisa.’ He put his arm around her warm shoulders. ‘Come on sweetie, let’s go for swim.’

She removed his arm as they walked into the sunset.

‘Lisa.’ He started. ‘Have you ever thought of us as a …’

She removed his hand slowly creeping up on her waist. ‘You have bikini fever.’

He seemed confused.

‘Your thinking ability has been affected by seeing women in two pieces.’ She said. ‘Let’s get back to Nairobi and your fever will go down when you see normal women in normal clothing.’

He quickly moved away sensing that Lisa was about to turn him down, but she was right when they got back to Nairobi the fever was gone, but he could not forget the sun soaked days and long night walks in the beach, they were just so beautiful. Still he could forget Lisa and how great her body looked without all the layers of clothes on them. He needed a sign, a big sign to prove to himself that Lisa could be more than just a friend.

Life was indeed amazing for the twenty something’s that on an Easter weekend they could afford to leave behind the hassle of the big city and escape for a nice Easter get away. Life was indeed good for Peter, he had landed a job even before he left Campus, even before graduation he had a good job, and to add to his list of many blessings he had pretty good genes, well he was not bad to look at. Indeed he seemed to have been born with a silver spoon in his mouth. The taxi driver dropped him off at his gate, it was late at night, noticing that the security guard was not in his usual place, not that there was one constant guard it was the care taker, he doubled as the security guard, most nights you would find him asleep in his house and not at the gate. He let himself in and walked two floors up to his door. He tried to open the door for several seconds but he could not feel the padlock with his hands, realizing the door was not locked, he quickly opened his door, his heart bumping faster than when he had laid his eyes on Lisa’s body. He tried to switch on the lights but the bulb seemed not to light, he rushed outside in a daze; the entire estate was lit brightly. He rushed back to his house and tried to feel around, he felt desperate, he could feel nothing, he touched the walls to the main switch but he turned the switch but nothing seemed to happen. He remembered the little torch he carried with him, he rushed and brought it in the house.

The little torch lit brightly, but the night seemed too silent as his mind tried to reconcile what his eyes were registering, he quickly rushed outside and shone the light at his house number, it was his house alright, the neighbor came out as if to confirm he was in the right house.

‘We saw people moving things from your house in the middle of the night over the weekend and thought you were moving out.’

He made an attempt to follow Peter into the house but Peter slammed the door in his face angrily. Who moves out in the middle of the night?

He walked around all the other rooms in his house, everything movable was gone, and he had nothing apart from the clothes he had carried to Mombasa. He reached out for his phone and dialed Lisa’s number. The only person he could call.

‘Hello.’ She seemed sleepy. ‘Peter nilifika kitambo.’ She joked.

‘Lisa.’ He said in a shaky voice. ‘My house has been robbed, there’s nothing left…’

eight funny facts

What do people really mean when the say: -

·         It’s who I am, I tell it as is.

That is totally fake, what they are actually saying is, I need psychological help, I have an identity crisis PLEASE HELP ME! Or as my younger brother puts it I tell it as it is to people I really don’t care about but to the people I really care and love I am afraid of hurting their feelings.

The ‘I tell it as it’ simply put is that the person in question is rude and they don’t want to do anything about it. Shame!

·         “I am opened minded” is simply another way of saying I am confused.

So for the students of English, Open minded and confused can be used interchangeably. Well, they should be.

·         “I will know when I get there,”

 It only means that you are lost and you need all the help you can get in finding your way in life. It also means you haven’t thought much about your life. You may get there and realize that you never wanted to go there in the first place.

·         “I want a man who is tall dark and handsome or I want a very beautiful woman for a wife.”

Means: You are not pretty yourself, or handsome. Beauty is not something you possess. People always want what they are not. It may also mean you understand evolution and do not your offspring to have undesirable traits.

·         “Let me pray about it.” Men this actually means: -

1.      Even though, I have never thought about you, you might be a good plan B.

2.      You are not the only one in the picture and I am afraid that if I say yes to you I might lose out on the one I truly love.

3.      The thought of getting married to you or being in relationship with you is too scary, and I need all the strength I can before saying yes.

4.      I need to beat my body into submission just to be able to say yes.

God has nothing to do with it, just a battle that I have to fight with my inner self.

·         “Our tribe is being attacked, is another way of saying; we are very foolish beyond measure. Usually the politician involved has NOTHING to do with you, and does not know you even exist and even the same was to happen to you, the phrase would not be used to apply to you.

·         Since those shady phone dealers are not planning to give me one bob change back, then the 3499 should change to 3500, the 4999 should be 5000, while the 4449 should be 4450. Enough said.

·         Of night runners, do they have six packs, are they handsome/pretty because they would be cute to watch or spy on. It might also help their cause when they are arguing that night running is of no harm to anyone apart from the runner who risks pneumonia for running naked in the middle of a cold night. If the night runner is not as good looking and he’s running in his birthday suit that might not only be scary but also traumatizing to anyone who may accidentally see them. This also goes for the men; please don’t remove your shirt in public unless you have a six pack.