WORDS AND HABITS TO LEAVE BEHIND IN 2015

As the year draws to a close please let us leave these words and habits in 2015: -

• Angle: - Now unless you are Luhya and you mean 'uncle' but you say 'angle' tuwache please. I do not get why people confuse the word angel for angle. The Lord blessed us with a little 'angle' last night, look at my two 'angles' I know it should not annoy me but it really does. Its angel and not angle, but if you are Luhya totally disregard this point.

• The tags #funeraltings #funeralvibes #mazinshithings and while at it can we stop taking smiley faces and selfies at funerals: - It is so disrespectful and it proves that you are using two instead of the five common senses. They are free, you know!

• The paparazzi at weddings: -question, does the bride and groom pay you to annoy people with your cheap camera phone and tablet by standing in front of them, question, these photos that you are taking are you being paid ama those ndiyo bride and groom wataselect. No, you do not need a picture of the bride and groom cutting the cake, why can't the lot of you sit down and let everyone enjoy the moment. Is it that if you do not take those photos is your phone going to explode ama? 

• Seating four passengers in a three passenger seat: - Hatusemi wewe ni mnono but mboss kama hawezi toshea kama mtu wainne hauwezi. Please This must stop if you glance at the back and there are three passengers and two have eaten more than their share of ugali na hata wewe uko sawa, please do not turn your tushy and squeeze your way through to make space. I find this scene more scary that a horror movie, you know its coming to get you but there is nothing you can do about it.

• The 'xaxa' dudes:- How they have survived this long is a miracle. How hard is it to write sasa?

• The 'thank you accepting my friend request' people: - Dude what is your point!

• The long whatsapp forwards: - Open a blog and let your thoughts known like the rest of us, we know have the mbs, no need to waste them. I blame Safaricom, you need to increase the amount of mbs people can sambaza so that people stop wasting their bundles.

• The sending of friend requests to people you don't know: - If we have not friends in common, wewe na kimbele mbele yako unatuma friend request ya nini.

• The pathetic begging for followers on Instagram: Why do you need every Tom, Dick, Harry, Mary, Jane and Ann to follow you.

• The posting of cryptic messages and pictures on Facebook and instagram: - we get it, someone dumbed you, your friends kicked you to the curb, no need to plaster your wall with endless cryptic messages. No wonder they left you, they are not mind readers. Learn to communicate or state it as it is.

Here's to a mature 2016 with no dumb and irritating posts.

Images: google

REJECTION IS THE GREATEST GIFT WE WILL EVER RECEIVE

A couple of years ago, I had the worst Christmas ever, no one noticed because I am really good at hiding my feelings at times but it was terrible. My heart was breaking inside, I had been rejected by my perfect guy, he was everything that I have ever wanted in a man, he was tall, he was kind, he was cute, he was a university graduate and he was working, and most importantly he was a Christian. On our first meeting he noticed me, you know when a guy looks at you with those eyes that says he is interested and he asked me out and I will not lie when he sent me an sms later that evening and when he called I was burning up, my heart was on fire, I was in love. Well, things did not work out the way I anticipated and when it really hit me that he was not interested in me it was a couple of days before Christmas and I was really hurt, my heart was shattered. We have all been there were someone you are interested in rejects you. This is what I have learnt about rejection: - • A rejection is always better than a false promise; with that guy, who ruined my Christmas, just imagine if he had lied to me and put on a show to prove that I was the one, while in reality he was not interested in me at all. Hey, I should be glad that it did not take me years of being hopelessly in love to realise that this man had done to me single nicest do someone can ever do to you, walk away at the very beginning when they realise they were not interested. He did not string me along, he made no false promises and he needs to be commended. You see it’s allowed to be sad and depressed for a bit, but you can never hold grudges against someone who is totally honest with you and you must move on, otherwise you are the one with the problem. • Rejection is a good thing, when a guy who I thought was serious and had spent months calling me all sorts of lovey dovey names went silent after I pointed out that despite all the I love yous and I want us to get married, he did not know what my second name was and he had never asked and I did not know anything about him and I kinda asked or stated the obvious, maybe it was the wrong way of asking but he went silent and I would send like 500 words for every 3 words that he sent. The worst part was when I said I just wanted to know him deeper and he said ‘thanks’ I felt devastated but I realised I had been so afraid of being rejected that I was scared of asking him all these things I needed to know because I thought he would leave, and I was right but then I realised that was a good thing. The rejection was worth it. Imagine being in a serious relationship with someone who knows nothing about you and you do not know anything about them either. Attraction is part of it yes, but if one of the parties is not interested in something serious, you have no option but to walk away or let them walk away. I really did like this guy and I am sure if he was in the country and proposed at that point, I would have said yes because I was so attracted to him. Then I started thinking about it and I thought, if I am to base my relationship on feelings then I when I settled into marriage life, and I really got to know this guy, chances are my feelings would decrease and resentment towards him would grow. His silence was golden. I needed to know how serious this guy was • It has nothing to do with me most of the times, when we are rejected we wonder what is wrong with us and it eats on our self esteem. It should not; at times the heart wants what the hearts want. I have had my fair share of rejections and I have rejected some men as well and most of the times I simply was not interested, then how can I be angry when someone is simply not interested in me. • They will be happy without you stop waiting for them to realise what they are missing; most of the times we wait for the people of rejected us to realise what a mistake they made in leaving us and to see them regretting not loving you. Well, this never happens. They will probably get married and they will most likely be happy without you, that is why the decision to move on is for you and only you. At times I look back at the people I rejected and I am happiest without them, I am sure they feel the same way too. In all honesty rejection is the single nicest thing someone an ever do to you, that way you do not have to spend your entire lifetime with a partner who will never love you and return your feelings. When you force that person by sticking with them no matter how many times they show you they are not interested, you are setting yourself for a miserable life, twenty years wasted on a man or woman who never loved you, while getting over them could have actually taken a couple of months.

Dating a Typical Kikuyu Guy: Here’s 10 things that you need to know

Dating a typical Kikuyu guy has always provided me with moments of laughter and moments of utter complementation where you ask yourself ‘Am I really this desperate?’ Recently I went out with one and here are some of the things that I picked about those typical ones: -

1. They know some of the really cheap places they can take you for a date, at times that means walking around Nairobi as he does calculations in his head on how the cost differs from one hotel to another. I know of a very cheap Kikuyu guy who kept wondering why girls were leaving him. I could not tell him but this guy was really cheap. He takes a girl all the way from Kiambu to Arboretum so that he could ask her to be his girlfriend and he had a well paying job to make it worse, she said no! Then he took me a hotel in Nairobi where we had tea and mandazis or was it sodas, as he shopped for a TV worth over Kshs 25,000/-. If you dare ask for chips, he will remind you how unhealthy that is.

Their perfect idea of a date is buying a kilo of meat and you cooking it in your house followed by sex and then they will leave you to wash up after, as they relax on the sofa, typical. During my date with that Kikuyu guy, he told me he loved a home cooked meal and that was his perfect date and so I asked ‘So do you know how to cook?’ Your guess is as good as mine.

While Ujaluo ni gharama the opposite is true for Kikuyu men, and they firmly hold to the belief 'Ukikuyu si gharama'

2. Is it a business deal or a date: - A typical Kikuyu guy can make a date sound like you are in a business meeting, as he is telling you what he is currently hawking, sorry, selling, he is like you know I can get it for you at a price cheaper than the market price, do you want the original version or the Chinese.

3. They have really hustled: - the last Kikuyu guy I went out with, had dropped out campus, he was into sales and marketing, he constructed websites, he had been a mtu wa mjengo, he owned an mpesa once, he had written academic papers and proposals, I really could really help but smile as he went on and on about everything he had done in his short life and how much more he wanted to do, including owning a plot and a matatu, which led to his ultimate dream of being a millionaire. I know everyone wants to be a millionaire but Kikuyu men desperately want to be millionaires, their motto is get rich or die trying.

4. They hate gold diggers, they like women that work.

As he buys you that plate of chips, he will gladly remind you of how much you can save if you ate at home and how much he hate gold diggers. They forget you cannot gold dig a poor man or a hustler.

5. They have a typical Kikuyu accent, there is nothing annoying as a guy with a typical Kikuyu accent trying to sing along to ‘ronery’ sorry ‘lonely’ in a matatu full of people and he is looking at you. Is there a way you can pretend you do not know someone without hurting their feelings.

6. They will never help you with your bag, the other day I am walking in town with this typical Kikuyu guy and I am carrying this heavy bag on my back and all he noticed was that the straps were inside out and he was scared that was going to leave a mark on my back, so what does this gentleman do, he adjusts the bag on my back so that I am more comfortable carrying it. Yes I blocked his hand angrily.

7. They have a low opinion of women generally, that typical Kikuyu guy believes that Kikuyu women prefer to be single mothers and they love money.

8. While he might have problems spending money on you, he does not mind treating himself to one for the road or maybe two. I am sure we all know who has a problem with alcohol in Central Kenya

Yes it will be a while before he pays your parents a visit. The most amazing thing is that they are always saving but they are always broke.

9. They will make statements like ‘this mountain imagine if it were sub divided and sold, now people are paying 300 to just hike it, how does that help the economy?’ ‘This Uhuru Park imagine owning it.’

10. His pet name for you might be 'nyina wa Ngania (mama so and so): - I dated a guy who used to refer me as Mama (insert his mothers name). That really used to annoy me. How is referring as the woman who gave birth to a child named after your mother supposed to be a turn on? This is not talking about your average Kikuyu guy this is about that TYPICAL KIKUYU. Yes there is a difference. So I have not generalised men from any community.

‘NICE GUYS’ THAT OVERUSED PHRASE

The truth about nice guys I was once holding a conversation with a guy, who was well educated, but average looking in a hotel and out of nowhere the guy says ‘nice guys never get the girls.’ ‘Girls are not interested in the nice guys.’ You see there’s a misconception about nice guys and what that phrase means. It should not be mistaken for any of the following: - • It’s not a self pity phrase, that woishee kind of guy, date me, I am nice, date me. They pity everything about their lives and how their lives have turned out. • Nice guys and average are not the same thing, • Nice guys and poor guys are not correlated; just because you are poor does not mean you are nice. There are enough poor guys that have battered their wives and made the lives of women a living hell, so no! Poor and nice do not mean the same thing. • Nice guys do not live in the ghettos necessarily. • Nice guys are not ugly • Nice guys are not pathetic • Nice guys are not short, I have met enough short guys who assume just because they are short they are automatically nice. I think this guy had a type of girls that he was interested in but they were not interested in him because he was not their type and their rejection he pegged it down on women not wanting him to his nice guy image. I dated such a guy once and I speak from experience, there is nothing nice about self pity and it went from self pity to putting me down. It started as ‘I am so nice I have been rejected a lot.’ ‘I am sorry you have to date a short person.’ ‘It’s obvious you have settled’ ‘Look at me, I have asthma, I look weird.’ I tried saying all these did not matter to me, but soon this self hatred was now directed to me ‘Do not put on weight, you would not look as lovely.’ You should have seen the look on his face every time he said. He wanted me to pity myself. He once said ‘I know I am not the pretty at all.’ ‘You are okay’ I said. ‘You know you are not the most beautiful woman in the world.’ That was his response. I was like ‘dude I am very okay with my looks, no low self esteem issues other than the ordinary, I wish my hair was no longer, I need to loose 2kgs, only that.’ In short nice guys does not mean, poor, looks down on self, thinks that women should date him because they are nice or he thinks that the nice guy phrase was invented for him. Nice guys come in all shapes, colours and sizes. At times they are rich, at times they are poor, at times they dark skinned, other times they are light skinned, other times they are tall, then at other times they are short. Just because you feel less endowed by nature does not mean that every woman should be running into your arms. I do not agree with Sauti Sol, chances are there are women laughing on boda bodas as there are crying, there are also women laughing in Benz’s as there are women crying. Even in the traditional African community, men needed to work hard to get the girls of their dreams and it was tougher then than it is now. I have realised that every time a guy says he is nice and starts to throw himself a pity party, he turns out to be a social misfit and their behavior borders psychotic. The solution would be to stop wanting women who are out their league and pay attention to the nice girls out there who feel ignored.

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE DATING A PSYCHO: MY STORY

The other day I got this email: - It seems like a harmless email from a guy I may have broken up with or had broken up with me but that was not the case. Now, this is a very personal story. You see, let me start from the last sms I got from the guy before this, it might sum up everything. Now, let’s start. This experience taught me that I am a typical human being, vulnerable and at times easily manipulated. Now the question from the above communication would be why I would want to friends with such a man. You see I learnt that psycho dudes have the weirdest mood swings, one minute you are evil, the next they are apologizing and want the very first thing you wanted in the first place, friendship. This happened so many times with him saying he was going to get help at some point. I will keep to the basics of what I learnt about being in a somewhat abusive relationship. All the signs were there I did not miss them, I ignored. It was supposed to be a ‘teach me how to swim’ relationship nothing else. On date number one, as we are swimming he says, I am not like other guys in the pool, trying to fondle girls, I am different. Yet he took me to the deep end and tried to kiss me when we were under water, I immediately popped up, and pretended not to have noticed that. Then when we are having coffee he says ‘you are not like other girls, they are b******. That was sign number two, I said as a young woman you cannot respond to every guy that cat calls you or shows interest, interestingly enough I became a b**** soon enough. I ignored that! And it’s not that I wanted to be in a relationship desperately. I did not but I thought he was a really nice guy. He was a gentleman, and you do not meet these quite often, he wanted to pay all the bills, he wanted to know how I was doing, he seemed like a gentle soul battered by the world and I wanted to be the savior. The third sign was on that same day. He said he had volatile temper and his friends had crossed him and he retaliated and I asked ‘why not let go?’ I should have stopped there, I did not. He said he was a jealous guy and I said, I cannot date a jealous guy, I have very good male friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin and I would drop a man first before I dropped them. These are men who have believed in me when I did not believe in myself. You see I have never been in a volatile relationship. It has always been so easy with other others that I have dated, when it ends it ends, there were no words thrown at anyone, but whether it was me or the guy that chose to walk away, nothing like this has ever happened to me. Yes the usual challenges were there and there are some frogs and jerks along the way, but mostly it was typical. I said I am attracted to you but I do not want to be in a relationship, I had a lot in my plate, work and school and I did not think he was the one. He agreed with me. I said if I enter a relationship too quickly, it will not last and I would rather we be friends if it grew from there that I would okay, if did not, okay. I really thought that was clear, one week later I was his background picture, he was holding my hand in public, he wanted me to use his tuk tuk driver to go home, he was telling me he had told his parents about the girl he was going to marry, at two weeks, he could not go anywhere without me, and not feel lonely, he was planning a tour of Mombasa, he talking of waking me up in 2017 to vote, and he was the victim in his last relationship which was sketchy, she left him but now she wanted him back. Something was off, but because he passed the gentleman’s test, I kept ignoring everything that I saw. It was clear yet not so clear… Someone said something was off. I said to my sister ‘this is the kind of guy that you would want to be friends with if I decided I did not want to be in a relationship.’ I was wrong! To be continued...

When the wife of a man you are not interested in calls

A while back there was a tuk tuk driver who used to drop me to my house from Thika town, when I had luggage or at night. It all started when I had to travel to Nyeri at 5am one of those mornings for a seminar, I needed a tuk tuk to take me to Thika from my house. He seemed trustworthy and so I started calling him when I needed a tuk tuk to take me home. Everything was okay until he asks me out one Sunday afternoon, and I am like I am not interested, in fact it made me angry. He was married (that means he had no character whosever), he was not much of a looker, he had very bad English, Swahili and Kikuyu, he was poor (not that I would sleep with someone for money), but there was absolutely no logical reason for me, to even give this man a second glance, but he still had the audacity to sms back and tell me, Abraham (Bible) had many wives. He might have had but at least he could afford them. Forgive if I speak in anger, but it made me really angry, I had shown this man mad respect and then he pulls a crazy stunt like this one. He should happy his wife loves him just as he is. I mean I really needed a reason as to why this man had made a move on me. When he called a couple of months later, it was not pretty, I was really annoyed. There should be a guide before you approach a young woman for sex, ask yourself a million times why I would want to sleep with you, if at the millionth time are still convinced I want to have sex with you, please start again. I really find it really disrespectful by the sheer number of married men who approach young women (regardless of their marital status) for sex, and these married men are from all walks of life. Funny enough, 100% of those instances, I am not interested in having sex with them. I am disgusted at the thought that such a man even thought that I would want to have SEX with him, pass me the sick bucket. To add insult to injury, months later after the incidence his wife calls, and she claims that she saw my message saying I did not want to be a second wife to her husband and she wanted to confirm, first she says I saw your message kwa mzee wangu, and I ask about the older persons cash transfer, this woman is beating around the bush like her husband is the first married man to show interest in me. I wish I had not picked up my phone after ignoring that unknown number a couple of times because I knew it was work related and I am so busy working on my dissertation. She says they are married with children, and that he is cheating on her with someone else (information that I would she told her therapist), I mean this is the second time this is happening to me, the last time the wife asked me if she should leave him, cause she was feed up. Feed up! Try listening to a woman whose husband you are not interested in calling you to ask how you meet her husband and wanting to know details about your life. They always seem to appreciate honesty and tell you what a nasty piece of work their husband is, how many children they have, how he is not at home because they suspect he is with someone else, how long they have been married ‘Oh my God I am not interested!’ I was really annoyed when this woman called me today, the smses were clear, I had to stop myself from insulting her husband in those smses because I know that could land me in jail, I was not even sure it his wife or somebody he had put up, to call me using a different number, is this guy kidding with me! But I called back a bit angrier than the first time, clearly this is harassment. My message was clear call that if she and her idiot husband tried to call me one more time, I would be compelled to take action, she did apologize. First a husband I am not interested in and then his equally annoying wife. This incidence really scared me a lot, what if it was not his wife and he just harassing me, and if he is harassing me it means this man is a psychopath, and that scares the life out of me. It’s not fair I did not do anything to deserve this. My advise to all married women, please if the messages on your husband’s phone are clear, call him, tell him all that stuff you are telling me, because most of the times, the woman knows about you and does not really care, or like in my case was never interested in your husband and even if he was single, I still would not be interested in him, clearly he is your type not mine. There’s nothing frustrating, annoying and scary as being harassed by a married man and his wife, both psychos, both of whom, you have no interest in.

Malindi; That first day, what you should do and never do

After that long journey by bus, you are finally in Malindi and you are wondering what do I do? Hakuna matata, here’s a comprehensive guide to a successful first day in Malindi: - 1. Get a hotel with a swimming pool, do not worry hotels in Malindi are pretty cheap, with one thousand or less you can get a pretty decent place, one where people will not mistake you for an overdressed commercial sex worker. That is possible you know in Malindi, you got to know that. A swimming pool is a must because the weather never gets cold and so the water is always warm. 2. Go to the beach and take pictures of the funny signs in Italian and Swahili, this is definitely little Italia, minus all the illegal immigrants, add a beach boy/ masseuse/guide/ cook/male commercial sex worker (they claim to be very good at what they do and it’s not selling sea shells at the sea shore, unless there are no sex tourists) and you have an awesome photo opp. 3. Walk around the beach and realise that it’s not as crowded as the beaches in Mombasa, realise it’s an opportunity to relax, do nothing and have fun, forget about sex tourism and drugs. If any person tries to talk to you, slap them, you are on a holiday no need for emotional attachment. That is what took you to Malindi in the first place. 4. Draw a love heart in the sand, it might be the only genuine ‘heart’ you get in life, life’s a beach, play with the sand. 5. Play with the waves and water, like you do not have care in the world, whilst imagining the romantic scenes you see in the movie. 6. Then remember to have nice relaxing shower in your hotel room to remove all the sand in your hair. It probably will not come off until couple of weeks later but playing with the sand is a must. Make weird faces and takes selfies. Now there are people who must stay away from Malindi at all costs: - 1. The ‘you must dress decently’ in Malindi, please do not bother; otherwise you might end condemning every single person you meet on the way. Beside the thought of wearing all those clothes is extreme heat and humidity is enough to put someone like you off. 2. The ‘you should not date people from other races’ kind of people. In Malindi the girl in front of you is probably married to an old, really old Italian dude, did I say really old, I meant ‘ancient of days’ dude whose probably in the same league as father Abraham, when children sing father Abraham and he is around, they probably assume its him, the girl behind you is either dating one, or is being kept by one, or is desperately trying to get one. Even the men are trying to get their wives, sisters or daughter’s hooked up to one. So at night when you see a commercial sex worker half naked, remember they are not doing it for you dear Kenyan, you might must be collateral damage. Maybe they should open a shop where you can buy old Italian dudes at a bargain, oh wait! Most bars already serve as brothels, what I am thinking? P/s ladies, Malindi is not the place to meet men, white, African, or whatever, they might only be mistaking you for an overly dressed commercial sex worker. Also never fall for a beach boy, unless you are in the business of taking care financially of an overgrown man child with drug issues and no sense of direction, the only thing this boy is going to know is that you are his ‘mommy.’

Travelling to Mombasa by bus; why I am never using Coast Air Buses ever again

When I travelled to Mombasa last week, I did so by bus, I had booked Coast Air. I have never travelled by bus to Mombasa, hold up, I have not travelled to Mombasa by air as well, just by a fourteen seater by driver who I think drinks every night, when he was overtaking my heart always started to race. Well, I was scared because of Al shabaab (unfounded, I know), then the numerous trucks and trailers on the road which would become my main fear by the way. Well, I knew from my younger brother that there was no waiting room at Coast air, yet I had paid Kshs. 1600 for comfort, ultimate comfort, but I was really disappointed, at the very last minute I was informed the vehicle had broken down, so I was downgraded to something I did not want (if I wanted it I would have booked earlier). Here I was looking at all the buses lining up, waiting for the ultimate bus I had booked, it was supposed to have WIFI, charging ports, washroom facilities, snacks and some privacy, God knows I love privacy, I got downgraded at the very last minute. I was waiting for some grand bus, but I was super disappointed. So, here I was travelling by bus, not that it was bad, but this bus company conduct no security checks at all. Maybe this is because I am used to Easy Coach and the fact that they check luggage and people boarding the bus, but there were no checks at all. Everyone simply got in without being checked, me included. I guess that made my fears worse. What really made me annoyed is that they conducted the checks on the bus behind us. The journey was not half as bad, I managed some peace until I asked the man next to me where we were and then he went on talking for hours, it included how he loved his wife and even if he was to cheat on her, he would always go back to her. All I heard was, I have cheated on my wife before but she is the foolish one who will never leave me, despite me exposing her to HIV and all… ahhhhhhhh love in the 21st Century is a strange thing. It ended with him asking me if I wanted to have drinks with him later in the evening if I was in Mombasa. So in other words he was asking me to the other woman strictly, all the terms and conditions had been laid out before. Then after the journey, I had to listen to my friends, describe all the other luxury buses that were available and how amazing they were and all I could think of ‘why didn’t I know about them.’ Anyway the only reason I will not be using Coast Air again, is that they did not keep their end of the bargain, if you are going to change buses make sure it close to what I wanted as a customer, secondly, conduct security checks, such a simple check can really save lives in the long run. I think they knew the bus was not available the whole day but they waited until the last minute because then I would have no choice but to travel with them. Thirdly, invest in a waiting room, the reason I like Easy Coach is they have a spacious waiting room, when you arrive at 3am you can always sleep the early hours away and go home when you feel safe. I think next time; I would rather explore other options, now I know that I have other better choices in short I am NEVER using Coast Air again.

FIVE LIES THAT AFRICAN WOMEN BELIEVE

As a woman I times feel guilty off playing roles that men are supposed to play. I have been made to feel guilty of playing leadership roles, having an opinion, having sexual feelings and most importantly having dreams. There are times when I ask myself ‘Am I not supposed to have dreams other than those of domesticity? But my heart burns up with dreams from the time I was a little girl; surely I did not put them there?’ There are lies that women are made to believe but they remain that, lies. They include: -

1.     Women cannot be leaders: - when the Nancy Barasa incident happened, one of my male friends wrote on facebook ‘that is why women can never be leaders.’ It’s easy to  forget that male leaders have done worse, they have been accused of rape, they have several wives, they have fathered children all over, they are involved in drug trafficking, they are busy defiling and impregnating young girls but one woman messes up and the whole country declares ‘women cannot be leaders.’ Society tends to hold women on a higher scale than men, thus women leaders are walking on egg shells most of the time. This is a lie, women can be leaders. When women stand for what they believe they called arrogant and are bundled out of public offices.

2.     Women in power tend to act like men: - This is because strong, aggressive, bold, and powerful are all characteristics that are engendered, in simple terms, these terms are more masculine that they are feminine. This is not true, if you are in power you will act differently than other women, just like men in power act differently than other men. Being bold and aggressive and standing for your rights does not make you ‘man’ it just makes you a strong woman. This lie is propagated by people who think women are nurturing and so in leadership they are also supposed to be meek and mellow.

3.     Women are their worst own enemies: - women are home wreckers, they steal each other’s men, they backstab each other. This is a lie. Adultery is consensual. The man and the woman involved are guilty. If your husband moved in with someone else, blame him, after all, he took the vows with you. It’s amazing how Bien of Sauti Sol can proclaim his love for a married woman and no one is shouting ‘home wrecker! Prostitute! Gold digger!’ What are they saying to him ‘kutangulia siyo kufika.’ ‘If she was meant to be yours…’ Now imagine if a woman did the same, declared their love for a prominent person who is married ‘prostitute, gold digger, home wrecker.’ It would cause an uproar! She would be subjecting herself to endless abuse. In fact it’s okay for men to have standards where potential wife must be beautiful, hardworking, a good cook, and ready to pop them babies but when women declare their standards, hardworking = lazy woman, gold digger, good looking men = no wonder she is single. Perfect men don’t exist women are told, but perfect women exist, society tells us.

4.     Women are weak; - I once went to Turkana a couple of year ago with an Eritrean archeologist, and from the word go, he was uncomfortable with my gender. When we got there, he took his time to remind me I was female and practically useless to him. I was hurt, did he come all the way from Eritrea, wait the U.S. to tell me, I was weak. He further showed me who he thought was the strongest guy in the group and then he said ‘I would have rather have one of him than two you.’ He went on ‘I am sorry, you may not like it but that is the truth, you are weak.’ Not that he had seen me working or anything but he just assumed. I think I cried a bit, I was really hurt, observe first and then judge. The good news is that one week later, he apologized. He said ‘you actually work hard and pull your weight.’ I am not bragging but I made sure when the vehicle was stuck in the sand, I was there pushing it, I carried my field equipment, I walked for 22km without tiring during archeological explorations, I simply worked my butt off in the hot Turkana sun. Soon I was part of the team, I was no longer weak. I was a valuable team member. Women are not weak, remember in the Kamba community women were long distance traders, presently African women carry so much weight in their life time and so they are likely to suffer from brittle bone diseases in their old age more than men. You are not weak!

5.     Women are not sexual creatures: - what a big lie. Women have been taught to mask their sexual fantasies because we are women. The only time women are supposed to be open about their sexual feelings is if they are commercial sexual workers. Women cannot say they want sex, they can only hint and we all know men do not get hints. There are women addicted to porn and sex but may not be able to get help because those are male problems. After all women don’t want sex.

We need to stop judging women based on cultural stereotypes. Yes the world is going to hell and we are all to blame not women!

PLEASE LADIES DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!

All young girls dream of the day that they will get married to their ‘prince charming’, their knight in shining armour, the man of their dreams, the one that will sweep them of their feet and wipe their tears away. The one during those ‘funeral moments’ those moments when you are attending the burial of a person close to you and he looks at you hoping to never have loose you. The one who will hold you in your arms when the times get tough and hold you so tightly that nothing in the world matters. That is the man most women want to go home to or have sex with. But I am made to believe by my married sisters that the grass is never greener on the other side, in fact there is no grass on the other side. While the unmarried sisters cannot wait to get married, the married ones are so negative towards marriage. Let me pause and ask.

‘Why are married women so negative towards marriage?’

95% of all married women I know seem to agree on one thing, ‘husbands are overrated?’ A few days ago a woman who is in her sixties said to me in a matter of fact kind of way ‘that’s why I keep on saying, it’s better to stay alone than with these people.’ A couple of years ago a woman inquired about my marital status and when I said I was not married, she told me if she could turn back the hands of time and be my age, she would not get married but would have her children and raise them alone. Married women tell me all the time ‘get a child’ that is the most important thing in life. Everyone I know says marriage is hard work, sex is a struggle. That I will learn to cry alone because my husband will say hurtful things and will never apologise for his words and actions, that in the end, being a wife is all taking care of my husband’s need and that the friendship we had before marriage will be over long before I know it.

Sadly, I get this advice from married women, both old and young. They have such a bitter attitude towards marriage, it’s hard to comprehend. The funny thing is that they are all still married to their spouses. I do get where they are coming from, their marriages did not turn out as they expected, and yes their husbands are hell bent on making their lives miserable. But a good number of people get married for the wrong reasons and both parties tend to be very unreasonable.

So, will I take the advise of these married women and give up on the idea of marriage. Absolutely not! I happen to have some of the coolest male friends in the planet and I am sure they will make absolutely wonderful husbands to their wives. I think at times as women we marry the wrong men and expect them to conform to our expectations and when that fails, we put all men in a box labeled ‘bad’. I strongly believe in marriage as an institution and a friendship that should last an entire lifetime. Today I attended a funeral of my mom’s uncle who was murdered as he rode his bicycle home, he was 78 years old and his wife had tears in her eyes. Now that kind of love is worth waiting for. So I will politely choose to ignore the unsolicited advise that married women keep dishing to me. Marriage works! Not all women and men are evil.

Love gone sour

‘Love gone sour!’

‘Woman attacks lover!’

‘Woman murders lover in cold blood!’

‘Scorned lover kills boyfriend!’

‘Bloody murder!’

Ciru looked at her reflection in the mirror as she washed the blood off her hands, thinking about how the headlines would read the next day. Her only encouragement was that it would not be front page news. A woman murdering her boyfriend was no match to politicians stepping aside because of corruption scandals. Even on any other day, she still would not have made front page news; it would have been reserved for politicians and whatever they did on that particular day, even if it was of no personal importance. Nonetheless, she was not looking for fame when she killed Kamau. She stopped on noticing the cut wounds on her hands. She studied them slowly, it should have been painful but she was numb with disbelief. She had just murdered her boyfriend of ten years. ‘Why would he joke about something like that?’ she wondered as tears filled her eyes. ‘I guess you are not laughing now.’ She laughed a bit, in a manner of fact kind of way.

She turned and stared at the lifeless body, once full of life, the body of the man who had told her that he loved her, and she loved him as well, it was not a bad dream, there was no waking up from this. He was her world, her dream man, her everything. She would have killed for him, not him. It was no supposed to be that way! When she started stabbing him, she could not bring herself to stop, it was like she was possessed or something. It was like someone got a hold of her hand and drove the knife through her boyfriend’s chest over and over again. Once could have been understandable but after first five times, she lost count. She looked hopelessly at her blood drenched clothes. Her life was over, her dream for a marriage and children, that would never be! And not because she would spend the rest of her life behind bars, but the crowd outside was baying for her blood. They had heard the screams of her boyfriend as she attacked him. They knew someone was dead and they were baying for her blood. One saw her sink the knife into her boyfriend’s chest through the window. The entire neighborhood knew, she had killed someone, and they were waiting for her with stones, knives, machetes, bare knuckles, diesel and match boxes. If the police would not arrive, she was dead meat. There would be a section in the paper of how she had been dragged out the house and beaten senselessly to death.

She collapsed a miserable heap. ‘I did not mean to! I did not mean to!’ she whispered to herself as she cried out loudly. She cries were muted by the chants of an angry crowd. She had no good reason to kill him. Kamau was a good man, he had been a good boyfriend. Light skinned or brown, with big brown eyes that just seemed to smile at her. His smile seemed to make the earth spin off its own axis. She smiled at her own thoughts. He was average height and of the ten years they had been together, he had never cheated on her. Then why did she snap? She pulled the braids off her head and let off a frustrated scream, the chants outside went silent. Nay! The world went silent, really silent. She listened as the silence condemned her. What would she say to his family, she had killed a mother’s only son? What would she tell her own mother? The single mother who had raised her and had hopes for grand children.

The third month of the year had been amazing for the loved up couple. Kamau seemed to have changed.  He was happier and seemed to be in love with her even more. She could tell by staring at his big brown eyes. It was love. He also seemed like he was finally ready to propose. So the story on the first of April, was supposed to be culmination of 10 years of happiness and moving towards the next part of their relationship, marriage. And like most 35 year old women, she was ready to be Mrs. Kamau. He seemed to prepare her by telling her he had something special planned for her. Ciru was excited as she bought a new dress, a pretty little red dress; perfect to celebrate her pending engagement and marriage life.

‘I want a grand wedding. I am 35 years and so I have thought about all the details in DETAIL, and then I will pop those babies, like you pop those farts after eating beans and ugali.’ She joked to her friend Mugure.

She had even visited bridal shops and she could she herself walking down the aisle with all of the WEDDING dresses on display. Her heart jumped with joy as Kamau kept hints coming.

‘Are you ready Shii?” he called her by her childhood nickname.

‘Yes dear!’ she smiled looking into his eyes. ‘I can’t wait!’

‘I can wait for this special day as well.’ He said. ‘You are going to be surprised.’

As the day grew closer, Kamau seemed even more excited. A week before March ended, the surprises started, there was the swimming lessons, and she felt so protected in his arms.

‘Maybe there’s a body of water somewhere in the honeymoon.’ Mugure guessed.

The other surprises ranged from bike riding, house hunting, movies and nature walks. Her excitement was almost boiling over as the first day of April approached. Kamau seem excited. He had achieved what he hoped to achieve, getting her overly excited and hopeful. She was burning, nay, literally roasting with anticaption, the curiosity was killing her literally. It was time for the candle lit dinner he had planned for her. Kamau did know his way around the kitchen, he was a culinary god. He prepared some fried chicken, rice, chapatti and some kachumbari. Ciru wore her beautiful little red dress and smiled at her reflection in the mirror. After waiting for ten years for Kamau to propose her life was about to change. She smiled as Kamau poured her some wine red, as the beautiful love songs played in the back ground.

‘How was the food?’ Kamau asked.

‘It was lovely.’ She answered, almost drowning in his brown eyes. ‘Sorry for forcing you to bring me this big knife to cut that big piece.’

‘I have something for you.’ He took a small box, perfect for an engagement ring and went down on one knee.’

Her heart was pounding as she took the box, she wanted to smile but the suspense was killing her. She slowly opened the box and seemed confused.

Kamau just smiled.

She took out a small piece of paper and read it out loudly.

‘Happy fools day!’ she was shocked and confused, she did not even realize that it was fools day.

‘Happy fools day bae.’ He got up laughing hysterically. ‘You really thought I was going to propose!’ he went on laughing. ‘That was the perfect prank, I must tell Davie.’ He turned took his phone and called his friend Davie. ‘Man she fell for it. Aki I cannot stop laughing. Aki you should see her face. It is to die for.’

Ciru seemed to be in a gaze, as she took the knife, turned him round as though to hug him, then stabbed him several times. He never saw it coming! She did not even hear Davie on the other side of the line begging her stop. ‘At least he died happy.’ She started laughing, before the laughter turned to tears again. How do you kill someone? Especially someone you love, when you have never killed before. It wasn’t a dream, there was no waking up. ‘I wonder what hurt the most, watching the life leaving his big brown eyes, or the gaze on his face when he realized it was his girlfriend killing him.’ She wondered.

Ciru noticed a small shiny object sticking out of his pocket, she bent to pick it. It was a ring. ‘I must explain why I did this? She got up quickly, her heart racing. Even before she could move, she felt a heavy blow on her head, falling to the ground with a thud next to Kamau’s lifeless body.

                                               THE END.

Are you sure you wanna go.’  Wanjiku asked her younger sister, Wacera.

‘Yes, I do.’ Wacera replied putting on a gorgeous red dress on. ‘It’s Valentine’s Day and the English men did say ‘half a date is better than none.’

‘What a waste of a perfect dress.’ Wanjiku rolled her eyes. ‘And no the English men said no such thing.’ She watched as her younger sister looked at herself in the mirror.

‘I haven’t been in a serious relationship ever since Martin and I broke up.’ Cera spoke to her sister through the mirror. ‘And you know how long that was, two years ago.’

Wanjiku laughed.

‘ Ciku I gave him the five best years of my life.’ Cera went on.

‘So twenty to twenty five are the best years of someone’s life.’ Wanjiku asked as she adjusted her sitting position on her bed.

‘Duh!’ Cera retorted. ‘Fact, women reach their peak at twenty five, and then it all goes downhill.’

Wanjiku just laughed.  ‘Cera, come on, you are twenty seven. Second, you cannot go out with every single guy out there just because you are desperately looking for the one and you don’t want to spend valentines alone.’

Wacera grabs her comb and starts working on her hair.

‘Cera, you have dated Omondi, Mutiso, Khamalo, Kimani, the list is endless. What are you trying to do? Unite all Kenyan tribes.’ Wanjiku joked.

Wacera turns to face her sister. ‘I have dated a Moha, as well as Kip… somebody. I cannot remember all their names. At least mother will be happy; I am dating someone from my own community. Besides the English men also said you have to kiss many frogs before meeting prince charming.’

‘There are guys from your own community that pronounce their names and speak in simple English words here in Nairobi.’ Her sister said.  ‘In fact there are guys who speak simple English here in Nairobi from all other communities here as well. Where do you meet these men, Cera, they cannot even pronounce your name. Cera is there a website or place where you go to meet people with weird accents and once again the English said no such thing.’

Cera rolls her eyes and puts on her shoes.

‘You will never understand.’ Cera seemed saddened. ‘You are married. At times a half a man siz is better than none.’

Cera stood at the matatu stage waiting for her date to show up so that they could together. He did show up like thirty minutes late.  He did not even apologise, he tried to hug her immediately, and she gave him her hand instead.

‘Come on, ‘he insisted. ‘With that sexy dress, you have to give me a hug.’

He tried to pull her for hug and she pulled away. ‘I said no!’

‘It’s okay.’ He forced a smile.

A couple of minutes later a matatu stopped and Cera attempted to enter but he pulled her back.

‘Eric.’ She was startled.

‘This one is expensive; fifty bob to tao, tunaweza pata ya twenty.’ He told her.

She was losing her patience already.

‘Let me tell you something about Kikuyu guys.’ Her sister had told her. ‘They are cheap dates. Most of them anyway.’

Cera breathed in, trying to calm herself. ‘But hizo za twenty zina jaza watu hadi kwa aisle and they’ll mess up the way your dressed and my hair.’

‘Cheap is the word Wacera not comfort.’ He said in a matter of fact way. ‘You need to save dear.’

Cera felt uncomfortable as he dragged her into the already filled matatu, she sat down but he had to bend over uncomfortably over her.

Just before they made the last turn to get into main road reading to town, they were bundled out after the makanga heard they was a police operation going on.

Cera seemed frustrated, lost in her own angry world. ‘A date for valentines Lord and this is what I get.’ She said in between clenched teeth. ‘It’s not like I was asking for a room at Villa Rosa Kempinski.’

Eric turned frustrated at her. ‘Now we will have to pay another twenty bob to town.’

Cera did not say anything as she stared at her dusty feet, she felt tears fill her eyes but she managed to wipe them away. Five years was a long time to date someone and then for them to marry someone else six months later. The ‘I love you’ had to mean something.

‘Wacera, dear.’ He started. ‘Maybe we should walk; it will take us like thirty minutes only to get to town.’

Cera was shocked; she was wearing heels, who in the world ask somebody out so that they can walk to their date on a dusty road. The temptation to take out on of her heels and attack him was getting real in her mind.

She was even more shocked when he started walking. She tried to but her legs would not move even a bit. Eric turned. ‘My dear, we need to start walking before the sun comes, otherwise utachomeka.’

Still Cera did not move. ‘Is he serious?’ she wondered out loudly.

Eric walked to where she was. ‘I see the shoes.’ He looked at her feet. ‘Aki hata nyinyi wamama mnapenda viatu zingine. Izi muachie wazungu.’ He seemed angry actually to her utter shock.

Had she just called her ‘mama.’  The word raced through her mind and she felt her heart fill up with anger.

‘Wewe enda na matatu.’ He suggested. ‘Mimi nikupate huko.’

‘Uko serious?’ she asked him finally.

He finally noticed she was angry. ‘Dear are you ok?’

‘Please don’t call me dear.’ She almost yelled but managed to remain composed. ‘I think I should go back home.’

She turned to leave, but he pulled her back.

‘Hey Wacera.’

She turned.

‘There’s a matatu coming, if it’s empty twende.’ He suggested. ‘It’s just I did not want to stand again, it can very uncomfortable you know.’

An hour later Wacera and Eric are seated a restaurant, going through the menu.

“They don’t have Ugali.’ Eric noticed.

‘You don’t have to eat Ugali every time you go out.’ Cera said.

‘Their food is so expensive kwani inakuja na insurance.’ Eric went on. ‘Everything here is no unhealthy.’

‘I am under the impression you do not like this restaurant.’ Cera said.

Eric noticed once again that she was getting angry. His phone rang and he went outside to pick it up. Cera watched hopelessly, she took her phone and started chatting with her sister on whatsapp.

Cera: You were right

Ciku: about what, I am right about all those guys that you keep dating

Cera: He’s talking on the phone again

Ciku: I told yah

Cera: My main worry is that he might run away and leave me alone

Ciku: Make sure you ask him for something that he leaves behind every time he goes out to answer is phone

Cera: Thanks for the tip sis

Ciku: Bill ikikam go to the toilet

Cera: What if he walks away when I’m in the loo

Eric comes back and sits down and moves close to Cera as their drinks come along.

‘So what do you do?’ Cera asked.

‘A lot, I am into import and export, I am in the taxi business and also I am in real estate, as in business ya kuuza na kununua mashamba.’ He finished off with a hearty drive.

‘Then why do you seem so broke.’ She muttered under her breath.

‘What did you say Wacera?’ He asked her.

‘Nothing.’ She forced a smile.

‘In fact if you want a car, or credit just say and I will sell it to you.’  He said.

‘The keyword was sell.’ She told her sister that evening.

Cera ate her food silently as Eric was on the phone most of the time.  

‘Please pretty red dress.’ She said as she took it off. ‘Pole sana for wasting you on that man. Who made me cry and laugh at the same time? I promise you the next date will be memorable.’

‘I told you so.’ Her sister walked in. ‘I know I married but am I happy no, what else would I be doing home on valentines night, if not for like the millionth time I had to ran away from that maniac because of his drunkenness and at times violent behavior.’

Cera smiled in a sad way.

‘I know you are supposed to kiss many frogs, but you don’t have to go out with them.’ Wanjiku advised. ‘You can tell from the word, don’t waste your time Cera.

“I haven’t dated many guys.’ Cera defended herself.

‘Samson.’

He was too short.’

‘Matt.’

‘the guy had a constant cold, always!’

‘Mutiso.’

‘He had a shao accent.’

‘Kimani.’

‘he had a bulging stomach, eew!’

‘Liam.’

‘He wenged like he had lived in England his whole life.’

Wanjiku smiled. Well, I don’t have a point from the above discussion, but all I know is that while mkate nusu in Kenya is very significant.  Not having a man in better than a half a man.’

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